It was a surprise when he told my sister and I, that if we wanted dessert we had to stand near his side of the table with our legs together. He said if he could see a space between our thighs, if he could see the light, then we could have some ice cream.
If I had known this was going to happen maybe I wouldn’t have eaten so much at dinner, but I'm sure I ate a lot; my mother made so much good food and I always remember being hungry. Up until this time I had never thought about my thighs, or any part of my body with concern, so I got up and stood by his chair with my little sister.
It was over so fast. There was no light between my thighs, and I didn’t get dessert.
Now I stand at that same table for every meal, constantly checking and monitoring myself to see if I deserve to eat. I pay for the food I do eat by working out nearly everyday, and going without food when I can.
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These are the fast and dirty ramblings of a woman who is barreling straight into her middle age. These writings come from the middle of her life, not a particularly bad time either. She’s not freaked out. She doesn’t sit on the couch all day watching soaps and fantasizing about a life completely out of reach.
3 comments:
My inner Southern woman has been active since I discovered my sister lost so much weight she's now a size 0. She had a tummy tuck and a breast augmentation years ago. This is quite normal in Kentucky, and many other places. I heard a feminist on the radio the next day talking about thin is the last place women can be controlled now that we're independent economically and with freedom to partner. Last night I had a dream where a god came to me and told me I was beautiful. I'm trying to hold onto that as long as possible, but even in the dream I remember thinking, "I am? But I have wrinkles and cellulite!" He took my face in his hands and breathed 'you are beauty' into me.
(o)
Oh.... oh....
"Ice cream again?" as he shoveled his own vanilla dribbled with chocolate syrup into his thin and powerful lips.
"You really think you need that?" Rhetorical question. "You're already too fat."
I ate and ate and ate and ate. Good food, I guess. But why take the time to taste it when there was so much to stuff. So many ways I could never measure up.
Oh.... Little Dweezila. The hurt! As someone who knows, your thighs are gorgeous. And that matters to me not one bit.
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