Tuesday, May 03, 2005

You want it to be about him

You want it to be about him
You want it to be about him because then it’s tangible
Something you can hold onto
A problem
Something to be fixed
Something to talk about
Cry about
Starve yourself about
A real life drama
In living color
Your life
With characters and a conflict
a protagonist who wants something
That if they can just get
would make them feel so much better
and then everything
I’m telling you
Everything
Would be all right

So today it’s going to be about him
Whether he’ll call
or email
Whether he’s thinking about
Beautiful, important, sexy you

Just say it
Or mouth the words if you can’t
You want to be saved
Say it again
You want to be saved

Saved by love
The way he looks at you
The way he wants you
Whether it’ll get him hard
make him want to leave his wife
Whether one look at you makes him forget everything else he ever wanted

You want to be saved by feeling wanted

And this feels so familiar
This wanting feeling
This leap- frogging
From one special saving something moment to the next
How when you were a kid it was all about the weekend
Or the next holiday
Or the next birthday
Or what you were going to get for Christmas

And then as you grew it was about
marriage
and having children
and being saved by your work
and by making money
And keeping your looks
And keeping your man
And being the kind of woman who everyone wanted to be

And now how at 45 the jig is pretty much up
Cause you know better
And you’ve had all the things that you thought would save you
been on Oprah
In People magazine
Had your books published
Was flown to New York
Where everyone wanted to know
More about
Smart
Brilliant
Incredible you

But that wasn’t enough and you kept wanting
Found yourself a lover
Tried to be even more beautiful

And yet
And now

Now you want it to be about him
You want him to do the heavy lifting
Lifting you out of this place
Loneliness
Emptiness
Nothingness

You keep wanting it to be about something
The next cup of coffee
The next five pounds
The next book
The next love letter
The next phone call
The next deep fuck

And now
Now you’ve come to the end of the story
And it always ends the same damn way doesn’t it?
The protagonist gets what she wants
feels sexy and smart and loved
at least for a little while
But then
it’s never enough
It never is
she wants more
And you want to shake her
You want to scream
You want to rip the pages out of the book and you want to turn her sorry ass toward the mirror and you want to say
It’s not about him
And it’s not about that other stuff
It never is
It never was

It’s about you baby
It’s about you

3 comments:

Maya Stein said...

Good God, yes. YES.

Steph said...

absolutely right. that's how it is. completely, utterly true.

gkgirl said...

wow.